Washington, D.C. | June 2, 2025 — Just when you thought Elon Musk couldn’t possibly get more Musk-y, The New York Times has dropped a surreal exposé confirming what many suspected: the world’s richest man was allegedly hoovering ketamine like it was vitamin C — all while moonlighting as a shadow adviser to Donald Trump. Because of course he was. According to anonymous insiders with better bladder control, the self-proclaimed polymath was routinely consuming not just ketamine but also ecstasy and psychedelic mushrooms during his high-powered role in Washington. And no, this wasn’t some Silicon Valley retreat. This was while he was heading the adorably misnamed Department of Government Efficiency — DOGE — like a stoner who wandered into a policy conference.
Elon’s Prescription for America: Party Drugs and Power
Apparently, Musk didn’t just dabble. He committed. Hard. Daily. His alleged ketamine use was so frequent that it reportedly caused bladder problems — a known side effect of chronic abuse. Sources say he carried around a little pill box filled with a daily buffet of substances, including Adderall and other delights, like a dystopian Pez dispenser. Though Musk has claimed in interviews he only used “a small amount” of ketamine “about once every two weeks,” insiders paint a slightly different picture — one in which the Dogefather was tripping through budget meetings and national security briefings while zoning out like a sentient Tesla in autopilot mode.
By spring 2024, he was reportedly telling confidants that his bladder was under siege from the ketamine. One imagines it didn’t come up during his briefings with NATO leaders.
Government by Special K
Musk was not your average federal employee. He held the ambiguous title of “special government employee,” which — conveniently — means he wasn’t bound by the pesky drug regulations that would apply to, say, a guy applying for a clerk job at the Department of Agriculture. Because when you’re worth over $200 billion and tweet about Dogecoin at 3 a.m., you apparently get a pass. Ecstasy, meanwhile, is a Schedule I controlled substance with no accepted medical use. Completely illegal under federal law. But Musk, ever the innovator, seemed to treat it like a pre-meeting snack. Ketamine, a Schedule III drug, is technically legal with a prescription, but mixing it with molly and mushrooms? Less so.
SpaceX employees, interestingly, are bound by strict drug-free workplace rules because of the company’s government contracts. Musk, naturally, had a workaround: he reportedly got advance notice of the supposedly “random” drug tests. Efficiency, indeed.
DOGE: Government, but Make It a Meme
Elon Musk’s federal adventure included heading the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE — because nothing says “serious governance” like naming an office after a cryptocurrency joke. During this stint, he donated $275 million to Trump’s campaign and helped shape federal spending cuts, all while allegedly hallucinating the IRS into a rave.
Whether he was under the influence during White House meetings remains unknown. But the White House response to the allegations was peak deflection. Spokesman Harrison Fields said: “Elon Musk has accomplished more for taxpayers than many career politicians.” Which is a bold way of saying, “No comment, please stop asking.”
Musk: Father of Nations, Twitter Threads, and Possibly a Cult
Of course, it’s not just the drugs. Musk also found time to publicly insult cabinet members, perform a Nazi-like salute at a political rally (very subtle), and continue his mission to personally repopulate the planet. He now has at least eleven children with various partners, and once declared that he was “doing his part” to prevent population collapse — by, evidently, turning his romantic life into a eugenics-themed startup. Some have described it as a breeding fetish. Others, more generously, call it a futuristic take on the Duggar family. Either way, his idea of family planning involves spreadsheets, embryos, and very little therapy.
Sam Harris Finally Says What Everyone’s Been Thinking
Even Sam Harris, who once defended Musk, finally tapped out. In a newsletter earlier this year, Harris wrote: “There is something seriously wrong with his moral compass, if not his perception of reality.”
Which is probably the nicest possible way to say, “He’s lost the plot.”
The Final Descent
Musk formally stepped down from DOGE on Wednesday night, after months of erratic behaviour, off-the-rails interviews, and growing discomfort in the White House over the fact that the man responsible for satellite communications and space launches was also allegedly hosting his own personal Burning Man in the Situation Room.
But don’t worry — he’s still CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and X. Because in America, there are no consequences for billionaires. Especially not the ones who hallucinate while launching rockets.
With inputs from agencies
Image Source: Multiple agencies
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